> Shrouded in darkness;

~~Saturday, May 22, 2010~~

5/22/2010 07:25:00 PM

Have been so hectic and wretched for the past several months that I didn’t have the time nor the energy for self reflection.

Perhaps I didn’t want to. Because if I do, I know all the cruel realities and hideousness of the truth buried underneath will surface.

Every day I sit in front of the computer (be it the one at work or the one at home) to either do my work or clear my school assignments. Papers after papers and files after files.

For once in my life, the words FUCK and PATHETIC keep crossing my mind as I wonder why am I here and what the hell am I doing.

I realise that living is not life but rather just a journey to complete. Out of the blue I detest living. I love the people around me who care but I just hate living and going through the mundane things in life I have to go through like everyone else.

I wonder why there are people out there who want to live forever.

If dying is an option, I’d make the choice to do it. Yet God seems to be thinking that my time is not up yet and there’s still much to do and a lot of shit to go through.

I wonder why there are people who say they understand me when I don’t even know myself.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Monday, February 08, 2010~~

2/08/2010 08:57:00 AM

Dear Father in Heaven

I need the strength to do what I have to do today, and the determination and time to make it happen.

I need guidance and courage to reject pessimistic thoughts. I need a “can-do” mentality to accomplish the things I have to do. I need to see my work as a duty I am proud of doing and not a chore that weighs me down.

I need to be strong in times when making things happen seem impossible. I need Your help to help me get through the obstacles and sh*t that people throw me with. I need to focus. I need to be positive. I need You to hold me and guide me.

I know that I am not perfect but whenever I entertain thoughts of ending my life, please help me to be brave and stand up again.

In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Wednesday, December 30, 2009~~

12/30/2009 01:44:00 PM

So I see, 2009 is coming to an end.

1. One of the things I probably regretted doing this year is not watching New Moon. Couldn’t find anyone to watch it with me. It can’t be helped since I haven’t contacted my friends. My Mum won’t understand the movie and my sis thinks both Bella and Edward are retards.

2. Then this year I was way into k-pop that I have already spent thousands on k-pop albums. My favorite Dong Bang boys are on the verge of splitting up due to issues with their management company. And I am so so so so not gonna support the boycott of their products.

3. There was this “Sorry Sorry” dance craze brought upon by Super Junior and both my sis and I think its cool to learn the dance, especially the arrogant moves.

4. I tried to be a vegetarian and alas! I gave up after 2 weeks of grass diet.

5. I stopped my Intermediate Korean classes halfway cos school was starting and I couldn’t cope.

6. My studies were a crash course thingy, so much so that I sometimes regretted doing it.

7. I questioned the worth of my existence and contemplated suicide. I googled on “ways to die painlessly” but couldn’t find anything useful.

8. There were times in my life when I could neither see nor hear God.

9. I have been disobedient this year. I didn’t follow the words of God diligently. I prayed only when there was an emergency.

10. There were also happy moments. Like those times spent with my Mum, sis and my darling Joseph.

11. My grandfather passed away last month. My mind was like WTF.

12. 19th December was the first death anniversary of my Dad. We went to visit him and I found the reason why I shouldn’t give up on life.

13. There was this rumor that the world will end in 2012. Duh, I couldn’t be bothered.

… this was how 2009 passed for me. A tough year but I managed to pull through, though not unscathed.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Friday, July 24, 2009~~

7/24/2009 08:54:00 AM

When the three of us (Mum, sis and me) sat at the dining table to blow out the candles on the cake, I looked at the empty seat beside Mum and felt a wretch in my heart.

It was a seat meant for Dad no one can ever replace.

Somehow a family event just doesn’t feel complete anymore with one missing member.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Thursday, July 02, 2009~~

7/02/2009 08:49:00 AM

Okay, I’m a nut case.

I can’t remember my MSN login password.

Neither can I recall the e-mail address and password I use for friendster.

All the usernames and passwords I tried just didn’t match.

I do not own a face book account.

So to my dear friends out there, if you bother to even want to contact me, just send me an SMS. The comforting news is that I can still remember my mobile number and have not changed it.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Wednesday, July 01, 2009~~

7/01/2009 09:04:00 AM

I met up with Branda and Huimin last Friday.

The ladies’s talk we shared and the laughter we had made me realized how important it is to have friends.

They reminded me that I’m not a robot who works around the clock all day.

They made me see that I can have a life outside of work.

They made me realized that I don’t have to be great and powerful in order to have friends.

They made me feel human again.

And sometimes, I feel like I don’t deserve to have friends like them.

It was like I was being transported back to my secondary school days, where I knew how to be happy by simply being contented with the things I had. It was like the child in me just surfaced.

Who says money can buy happiness?

But I think friends do.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Thursday, April 16, 2009~~

4/16/2009 08:42:00 AM

I have been spending a lot lately. And I’m just waiting for Mum to nag before I will stop or at least, try to control my spending habits.

Spending money is something I have always enjoyed doing. Just that it gets out of control these days.

I wonder if over spending is a sinful and extravagant act. But since it’s my own money that I’m tossing and I do continue giving Mum money each month, it doesn’t really affect me. It’s not like I’m hogging onto some fortune without sharing.

I don’t want to live a life of frugality and thrift if I can afford not to, cos I’m definitely not going to get thrilled over the increasing figures in my savings account like some ‘squirm-and-save’ super savers in this world. The increasing figures in the account will only make me more desperate to withdraw more cash.

Money is just another resource. It is perfectly fine to enjoy the luxury of having it. The key is not to spend more than you earn, but still enjoy life in the present.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Friday, April 03, 2009~~

4/03/2009 08:51:00 AM

每一段友情都有保存期限.

而我们的已经到期了.

曾经有人这样说过 - 得到并不等于佣有. 有时, 失去也是一种美.

所以, 该是时候萧洒放下, 然后move on.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Monday, March 30, 2009~~

3/30/2009 02:08:00 PM

I have been thinking a lot.

Just random thoughts, like thoughts about the people around me, my future, where am I heading to, whether status quo is important in maintaining a friendship, rhinoplasty, losing weight, falling in love, whether marriage is necessary, death, spending too much money, etc, etc..

I was so preoccupied with these thoughts that I missed the feeling of missing someone… until I went to visit my Dad last Saturday. Sometimes I wish he is still alive… yet it seems as though he never left us at all.

On a brighter side, I enjoyed my Korean class last Saturday. Its fun learning a new language!

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Thursday, March 26, 2009~~

3/26/2009 12:21:00 PM

An Nyoung Ha Sae Yo~

I am presently very hooked up with the Korean culture. Maybe not the culture, since I’m not into han bok and kimchi. I am just enthusiastic about Korean music and shows now, despite the fact that I know little (as in almost zilch) of the language.

It started two months ago when I needed to buy something for the sake of satisfying my urge to spend. So I grabbed this Korean album by Dong Bang Shin Ki while snooping around at a music store. No specific reason why I bought it. Just wanted to spend some money.

FYI, DBSK is a 5 member boy group and is the hottest stuff in Asia now. My initial perception of them was that they are just a boy group consisting of 5 pretty boys without much talent and going the Rain’s way, but slightly better. How wrong and shallow I was.

Despite the fact that I couldn’t understand what they were singing, since its in Korean, the music and grooves just got me replaying their songs again and again. So much so that I had their music blasting into my ears for most of my train journeys. It was like magic and I couldn’t explain it. And before I knew it, I started collecting their other albums and music related products. When I calculated how much I have spent on their stuff in just one month, it almost hit 500. I bet Mum will flip if she finds out.

Just two weeks ago, I signed up for the Korean language course with Cambridge School of Languages. Actually it wasn’t entirely because of DBSK that I signed up for the classes. I had wanted to learn a third language but back then, I didn’t have the time and couldn’t decide on the language to learn. I was deliberating between Japanese, Korean and French. Finally, I decided to settle on Korean because Jappie seemed more challenging that even its own people find it difficult while Sis said that French can be taught by self learning. Anyway, I couldn’t imagine myself speaking French with that exaggerating accent. I will look like a woman on crack.

Oh yeah, I am currently having thoughts of going for a rhinoplasty. I used to despise the idea of people undergoing plastic surgeries to look better. But my opinion on this has changed. Its not like I want to reconstruct my whole face to the extent that I look like a totally different person. I was thinking, just the nose will do. On the other hand, I am also having reservations and fear about this and anyway, money is the issue now and hence, the rhinoplasty plan will have to be put on hold. I am very sure Mum will hit the roof if she knows I am serious about rhinoplasty. I have mentioned it to her before on a few occasions but she thought I was joking.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Tuesday, February 03, 2009~~

2/03/2009 08:48:00 AM

Somehow, in a positive way, I feel that he can really make a difference.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Sunday, January 04, 2009~~

1/04/2009 10:34:00 PM

I didn’t think in the beginning that my first entry for the new year is going to be about my Dad.

Not before when God called him back to His side on the 19th of December 2008. Not even until now.

But it has to be and it needs to be.

There are many things about him I took for granted...

Like how I usually didn’t acknowledge him when I returned home each day..

How I couldn’t comprehend when he complained of the pain hurting his body..

How I missed going out for breakfasts with Mom and him during weekends just so I could sleep more..

How I fail to make an effort to have a conversation with him, to know how he had been doing at home all day while we were at work..

How I and the rest always thought he wouldn’t be called home to the Lord so soon because he looked so strong and active, unlike other victims of cancer..

How he angrily defended us when we were misunderstood by our aunties we hardly met up with..

How I always nagged at him when he spent on 4Ds and horse race betting...

How he would call while I was at work, just to let me know what he had cooked for dinner so that I knew I had something to eat when I got home..

How he would purposely sing loudly like he was yelling off tune..

How he would drive me to the pets groomer’s with Joseph to get his nails trimmed..

How the four of us would dine out for dinners during weekends with him driving the car to those eating places..

And when he returned to the Lord in heaven that day, I know I’m going to be missing these things for the rest of my life.

It is so difficult to cope whenever I see his stuff lying at some parts of the house which now seems quieter without him. And how all memories of him will come at the sight of his stuff.
But somehow, Sis and I are managing to move on with our lives, at least on the outside so that Mum can carry on with hers as soon as possible.

That strength and faith to move on comes not from us, but from the reassuring fact that Dad is now in a so much better place than here. In heaven singing with the angels and looking down at us, smiling.

On that day when he left, Mum asked him who was lying in the A&E ward whether he is afraid. He said no, because he knows that the Lord is waiting for him at the other side. I was tearing nonstop when I saw him struggling in pain for his life in the hospital that day. When I went back into the room again after the doctors said they have tried their best, I saw him lying on the bed, lifeless and turning cold, his shut eyes never opening again. Yet the peacefulness on his face was something I had not seen for months... and then I knew it was time for him to go to a better place where he didn’t have to suffer the pain anymore. He had to leave us behind because he had go.

Perhaps time will erase the pain in our hearts, the hurt of not getting to see him again for as long as we shall live. But I think time will shows its healing effect some day...

And I love you, Dad.

I should have said it earlier but I didn’t because of some silly pride.

... seen through it and moved on.