> Shrouded in darkness;

~~Sunday, July 31, 2005~~

7/31/2005 07:10:00 PM

Poor taggy is sick again. And the doctor is doing nothing about it.

The previous template is a bugger in terms of speed so I decided to change it. Oh God, that took a few hours last night at the expense of doing my company law tutorial and revising for the mloct test tomorrow.

It has been hectic and vexing for the whole of this week (mostly). Nouns like places, people and other non-living things somehow ruined my once-pleasant mood so sometimes, you just gotta let it all out. It was a symptom of poor anger management but no one would care less being tackled like that. I don’t want to bring this up another time so no thanks, the answer will be a flat no if ever questioned again so don’t ever try that cause there is no possibility of getting anything.

Am glad most of my course mates have secured a place and God really shone the light for those determined ones. I thank Him for that.

In a group, I feel left out, like I never belong there. Perhaps I will never fit in there and foolishly enough, I carried on trying knowing I’m being nuisance. So you see, it is the pressure of seeking acceptance that kills people’s mind to look out for what they actually need.

I want to learn to ride a bicycle but I’m afraid of the mocks and teases. I want to confront people who judge but I am wary of that so-called ego within me. I want to cry but only the weaklings do that. I want to further my studies after graduation but my parents have no money to see me to that. I want to play a part to the resolution of this family crisis but I am uselessly unable to. I want to start working right now at this moment but I am disqualified for many jobs. Being the eldest is never easy.

When you see the girl smiling, she isn’t smiling at all if you notice carefully.

I told Mum about my plan after graduation, only to keep her worrying and feeling guilty about many things. I never blame her and am thankful for everything she have given. I was merely voicing out my thoughts and inspirations yet duh, I think I upset her. What an asshole dimwit Emilyn is. She doesn’t even think of the consequences before saying something.

It is time for me to control the ‘wants’ and take care of the ‘needs’. Example, you’d be a loser if your family is starving and there you are, enjoying a feast at an expensive restaurant.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Friday, July 29, 2005~~

7/29/2005 10:17:00 AM

It was a Doraemon at first. But Ah Bai couldn't fit in properly. No choice but to return back to the shop and exchange for a Penguin at the expense of Doraemon.

It was saddening to see Doraemon go especially when it has so many interesting stuffs in his pocket.

So now, Ah Bai and me have to live on with Penguin.

Nevermind, I am beginning to find Penguin cute and adorable.

We love Penguin.

In case you're wondering like a lost sheep, I am talking about my new handphone case.

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Monday, July 25, 2005~~

7/25/2005 10:52:00 AM

Here are the ones I want to thank for the bag of gifts and being such great companions. I really adore them (plus the gifts) ^^, :-
-
Huda ~
I know it wasn’t easy for you to shop for gifts in the midst of applying for a SIP. Really, thanks a lot for those gifts and I appreciate it. Haha, with you around, the world is never short of laughter and girl, keep that going! That cheerfulness of yours is what I called ‘The Huda Spirit’! ^^,
You’re the second laughing machine after Shikin but in a positive way lah. I know that sometimes, one might take a longer route to his destination than the rest but what matters most is the journey. You might have taken the longer route but I’m sure you’d have seen even better sceneries which the rest might have missed. In anyway, just keep The Huda Spirit going! I will be praying very hard for every one of us and I am certain that God hears it. ^^,
----- -----
Nadiana ~
I promise to be your first passenger in that TP golf-like car, provided there’s no one in school that day. LOL. First of all, thanks for the presents and the ice-cream (you transported me back to my childhood!).
When I told you I don’t like ducks that time, I meant those that quack non-stop 24/7. LOL and also, ducks remind me of my secondary school Physics teacher, Mdm Quek (as it rhymes with ‘Quack’) and hell no, nightmare! But the duck you’ve chosen has been quiet throughout the weekends and yes, I like that duck and decided to name it ‘Do-Na’, in memory of the extinct Dodo bird and also, to remind me of you, being the one who picked it over the hippo. Haha.. to sum it all, I glad we’re not that kind where we merely pass by each other without even bothering to say ‘Hi’.
So Hi Nadiana! It has been nice to meet you! ^^,
----- -----
Nisha ~
From you, I’ve learnt a precious lesson that saying the wrong thing in front of meddlesome guys can led to fatal consequences. Yep so now, I’m always trying hard to be careful with my words. So no, I won’t mention here where you live and whether it is far or not. Oops! HAHAHAHAHA! Thanks so much for the gifts! Really hope to be in the same class with you again during the next semester, which is the last one.
Still remember? During the first year, you are like the mother of Shikin and mine in school. All thanks to the school the three of us are separated for the past semesters and that’s why you can’t ‘take care’ of the both of us. Don’t worry about us Mum, Shikin and I have learnt to be more independent. But hey Mum! Don’t let your kids stray! But no Mum, We won’t get lost! We are good kids! ^^,
----- -----
Noreen ~
I remember you nagged at me once… or twice… per minute… all year. LOL!!
I heard from Shikin that you developed blisters that day when you guys went to shop for the gifts. Or is it muscles cramps on the legs? Sorry but I seem to be suffering from short term memory these days. However, do come and find me if the blisters are making you ‘blist’ in pain. I have endless supplies of plasters and have learnt to appreciate their existence ever since that evening I came home with blisters on my feet after the SIP interview.
Anyway, I’m touched when I learned that you actually carried the bag of gifts all the way back to woodlands and to school the following day. I appreciate the blood you’ve bled and the sweat you’ve perspired. Okay I’m crapping again but still, thanks a lot! ^^,
-
Nuraini ~
Forever remembered as ‘Fatimah’ in the mind of my mother LOL. When she asked me who gave me those gifts, she couldn’t seem to remember when I mentioned ‘Nuraini’. Finally when I said ‘Fatimah’, she went “Oh.. Oh I see! That girl that come that time!” LOL but she never mean to forget lah and also she can’t seem to remember some names of the rest and I’ve to describe them again lol.
Anyway, thanks a lot for the presents and yes, like an elder sister you looked after the younger ones yet at the same time, you need to be looked after by us too. ^^, So in a way I think I have managed to make up for my slow, hazy brain in terms of giving you a listening ear.
PS: What happened to the TP sandwich machine? It looks unwell recently ya know? I think it misses your visit. HAHAHAHA!!
-
Shikin ~
Oh ya, don’t be sad (haha in case you are) to see that you’re the last in this thank-you list. My appreciation to everyone is the same just that according to alphabetical order, you can’t be first -.- . LOL. Thanks a lot for that day. You, together with the rest made it so special. ^^, Thanks for the presents and also, making a trip for me in the midst of looking for a SIP. Now as I typed this, I’m just so happy that you’ve secured a place. I’m sure God is listening to our prayers and soon, my birthday wish would be granted ^^,
You made me wonder how I shall deal with your upcoming birthday cos a surprise is scarcely achievable with your sharp observation, reptilian senses, watchful eyes and alert ears. But nvm, this is going to be a challenge and I’m convinced I am not the only one that’s going to brainstorm for solutions.
In anyway, keep your pleasant laughter going cos you can’t laugh as heartily as you want in the Supreme Court during your SIP. You won’t want the attorney generals to bring you to the judges for a trial with regards to public nuisance LOL. Kidding lah, you’re NOT a pest and yes, I laugh to de-stress too, so, we are very very normal... ^^, Anyway, I’m sure the SIP experience would be a great learning opportunity for every one of us! =)
----- -----

End

... seen through it and moved on.

7/25/2005 10:47:00 AM

Many things ought to be accomplished within a short period of time.

Maybe that is what I’ve learnt in the full 19 years of roaming on Earth. When I left school next year (that is, if I’m able to graduate in time), where would be my starting point? Where shall I begin with and how?

Couple of days ago, I was so unnerved by the need to handle multiple things simultaneously that I pluck out one of my fingernails. OUCH. Pain but at that point of time as I subconsciously did so, I felt nothing.

It was a relaxation to meet up with Huimin and Joyce last week. I appreciate that in the midst of our busy lives, we managed to find time for our friends. Looking at my secondary school friends, they have matured but they are still who they are. Huimin - forever the hyper and cheerful lass. Then Joyce - she would always be that shy-shy girl but knows her priorities. Dinner at Billy Bombers was more than just a meal of roasted spring chickens. The three of us talked about the future – a very general topic but it seems like all of us have in mind a brief idea of what we want to head for.

Then Friday came, before the day I turned 19. My friends have made that day in school a memorable one with all stuffs they did. They meant it a surprise and well, they passed that with a distinction I must say. Really threw me off-guard when they get the class to sing a birthday song for me after Accounts tutorial. Embarrassed, but I appreciate their kind thought.

To reward myself, I bought Twins’ ‘Samba’ album and am now enjoying the songs! =) They are still the group that rocks no matter what =)

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Sunday, July 17, 2005~~

7/17/2005 02:43:00 AM

It’s 2 am at the dead of the dark and here I am in front of my computer struggling to complete this report when none of my group members other than Shikin really helped. It freaks me out to think that I would never ever proceed on to my company law project at this rate things are going.

It feels like it’d take hours and hours more for me to finish this or perhaps, never. So many equipment and those retailers' websites just don't want to list the prices for our convenience. And how can I consolidate everything where there are members who just can’t be bothered to send you his or her part on time and treat it like I will spend 24/7 on this report?

I asked myself, why should I be so fucked up with the deadline on Monday when the rest doesn’t seem to care? There is one concentrating more on her company law project and assuming that the rest will complete the whole report. Than there’s one who never turned up for a proper meeting and has never delivered what he was supposed to. If there is a word to describe, it is ‘irresponsibility’. Are you sure you’re doing your Visio now and being responsible as a group member? Or are you now sleeping peacefully in the comfort of your bed and having no idea that your group member is slogging in front of the PC?

I just feel like throwing whatever Shikin and I have done at their face and let them wipe out the crap they’ve caused. It’s all excuses they’ve contributed as though everything that took place was an event of frustration.

Last afternoon at the lab, I was upset when the file I have saved in my diskette failed to open. Can you imagine the angst when all your company law issues and answers are gone just like that? The whole morning spent on it equaled to a wasted trash. It would mean ‘loser’ to cry so no, I wasn’t a loser and tried hard not to be.

This term break is even busier than normal school days. I feel sorry for my student as I have not been too patient with him for the past few days. It wasn’t easy to keep calm when he seemed like a little boy in dream world. But I know it was just me, my entire fault for giving tuition when your brain is fused after a whole day in school, trying to get everything done.

At least the SIP thingy is solved but nothing seems to be going right other than that.

I dread to even think of next week. A presentation is waiting for me on Tuesday and my group has not even reached half the completion. When there are only 2 persons carrying the burden of 5, how long do you think you will move on before you died of fatigue?

... seen through it and moved on.

~~Saturday, July 09, 2005~~

7/09/2005 07:10:00 PM

Participants of the Lau Pat Sat lunch gathering:
Shikin, Nisha, Nuraini, Noreen, Huda, Nadiana and me, myself, I.

The above mentioned names made a trip all the way from Temasek Polytechnic after Company Law Test to Lau Pat Sat for lunch. It might sound lame but it was a fun experience despite having to walk under the hot sun with a sizzling weather of 40 Degree Celsius.

We are nearly roasted.

But the desserts were nice.

The Company Law test was mentally torturing and with someone whining that she won’t get full marks, I’d be glad if I can hit 25 out of the bloody 50 marks.

Was so exhausted yesterday and I had a weird dream. A very very bizarre dream. Come to think of it, I want to laugh. This is what I dreamt of:-

SK (I am using initials to protect the person’s identity) and I were watching ‘Initial D’ in an unknown cinema. When the movie ended, Jay Chou came out to the stage with his dancers and bowed to the audience (yes! This part is so full of crap! Dancers! This is a movie and not a Jay Chou concert!! That’s why its so crappy!!). Strangely, everyone, including me and SK were already starting towards the door, totally ignoring Jay. Then Jay rushed up the stairs to our side. I pretended not to notice him.

“Emilyn.” He called my name. (Oh yeah and to think I was so ignorant in the dream!)

“Yes?” I turned over and looked at him.

“How was the movie?” he asked.

I can’t really remembered what I said but I know I briefly replied something like it was interesting because he’s one of the casts.

Then at the lift where SK and I were about to go down, a series of unrealistic events took place. SK asked enthusiastically, “Emilyn! Now I know why you’re so crazy over Jay Chou! He’s really good in the movie!” Then there’s too many silly stuffs that is only possible in a dream.

Okay, back to reality.

What I want to say is, dreams are usually the opposite from reality and it’s so damn crappy always.

In reality, you won’t see Jay Chou and his dancers walking to the stage after the end of ‘Initial D’ to thank the audience.

In reality, no one would walked off or ignore when they spot a superstar.

In reality, SK won’t say “Emilyn! Now I know why you’re so crazy over Jay Chou! He’s really good in the movie!”

That is why the opposite of reality is always a dream.

... seen through it and moved on.