i find the urgent urge to let out all my emotions thru this bloggie..

i realise how strong the hatred he must have for me and i've found out how far to the extend he dislikes me althou he erased that with a smile on his face. i thanked God for letting me stumble across these stuffs so i wun be in the dark of everything. i got to learn that human are really born actors. they hate me for being this. they hate me for being that and hate me for many many things (but they never tell me). i realised that the more i tried to change about myself, the worst things get. But could things get any better if i stay the same?

i release and vent out all my feelings.. my happiness.. my sadness.. my anger.. my perspective of life and many other stuffs thru my stories..  sometimes come to think of it, isn't that a silly thing to do? No. Never. i stubbornly told myself. writing is something i will never give up but in life, should i give up or continue on when i can't even see the road ahead of me? its mist and unfriendly aura that encircles my life now..  but even if a fren drop by for a concern, swimfan just simply shrugs off the topic-- "im fine.. i need no help.. thanks for the concern."

i know i can never change what ppl think of me.. its too hard the effort to even try.. life is  too short to live up to ppl's expectations.. its my life and i am who i am.. i tried changing myself but what was the use of changing urself when even you urself aren't convinced that you will become someone better after that? many happy things tt happened in a day doesn't reeli makes my day a jubilant one.. but yet, just one teeny weeny saddening stuff would be more than enuff to dampen my spirits for the day...

one conclusion i figured out:
swimfan is
1) useless
2) seriously lacking in confidence
3) needs a pillar of support
4) over-sensitive
5) needs tons of isolation from the cruel reality
6) laughing in front of ppl when she is actually crying inside
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....::::::: I want to be somebody out of myself and not a nobody:::::::.........