Instead of pursuing possessions, pursue peace, justice and love.
 Instead of buying things, build relationships.
 Instead of seeking more money, seek to minister to those around you.
 You won't believe the difference that kind of life will make.


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Saturday, March 06, 2004
3/06/2004 07:07:00 PM


Right now, im feeling exceptionally tired… From yesterday morning 9am, I was out to skool, doing project and giving tuition, not even taking a break… when I reached home, the clock reads 9 plus and the sky was already dark… I felt so sleepy and worn out… sometime moody happened yesterday for my marketing project… I can see that Jolyne was the only one organizing the whole coordination of the group with the help of Jiun Guan… As my time table is totally different from them, I couldn’t do much but still, I’d try to contribute whatever task that was given to me.

The other 2 group members were slacking all the way, giving nothing but stress to us… when I received the bad news from Veron, I immediately rushed down from my Tort law project meeting to meet my marketing group… God gracious… only two were present… the other 2 went missing in action and I could see that Jolyne was very stress… I tried my best to help… only 3 out of the 5 were present for the meeting and things that can be accomplished were very limited. The 3 of us split work and went home to type a report…. We agreed for another meeting on Sat which is today…. God… just when I tot I could finally have a goody break and then, I need to make a trip to skool again…

Rushed through the typing of the report last nite and only slept around 2am…. Feeling nothing but pressure…. Woke up at 7 plus to get ready for tuiton and soon after that, went to meet my grp members at around noon…. We practically did everything until 4 plus… phew… finally I’m home now… I miss my bed lots but cant lie on it coz I confirm sleep wan…. Then later still got a report to complete… I felt so light and weak today… when I walk, its as if my legs would break and I can’t even write properly…

After tonight, I hope I could have a nice sleep till tml and hopefully, everything’s goanna turn well for me and my group members…. There just seems to be a communication breakdown among one of my project groups… I felt so useless… perhaps I’m really am… I was reminded by her to bring something for the meeting but that just totally slipped off my mind… human makes mistakes and unfortunately, I’m the one… I felt bad coz they had brought theirs to edit but I didn’t… she kept on blaming me… I knew she was only kidding but somehow, its already exceeding my limits and I felt that I’m really taking her blames and criticisms seriously… especially the part that she said I was useless… perhaps, I really was… I was at wits end of how to react so during the discussion yesterday, I simply kept quiet, I was too pissed off in mind to say anything… yes, I knew it was my fault but whenever I recalled her saying I’m useless, thoughts just couldn’t get into my mind… perhaps now, she had already forgotten…

Then, comes another problem from my another project group that I’ve to excuse myself from this discussion… I seemed to be giving people the impression that I’m slacking and not contributing… I offered to do something at home so that at least, I can be of ‘use’ in the group coz I knw tt in the grp, im the most inferior creature… but the response was ‘you want to do do lor’… as if they dun need my help…I hate myself for that and I’ve tried changing the fact but still, in life, things would always remain the same… whatever you say would always be considered as ‘nonsense’ or ‘rubbish’ in people’s mind. I really couldn’t take in that I nearly burst into tears last night… things just doesn’t seem rite for me… stress… who wun feel it?? But it’s gonna be worse when u’re stress and there’s no one by your side… no one understands you.. Just because I was absent from skool due to gastric on Thur, I was being book marked as ‘finding excuses to skip skool’… althou they might have kept quiet but I knw, they must be feeling that… she was like ‘every time dun cum skool then say got gastric lah’ again, I knew she was kidding but like what I say, her jokes had already exceed my tolerance… you think I love gastric problems?? You think I want that to happen?? I dun want rite?? But what can I do? How I wish I was born without a gastric…

Seriously, ever since I came TP, I had been missing my friends in lyss a lot… yes.. a lot… coz by hook by crook, still, they are the ones who understand me better and gives my encouragement when I need it a lot… but here, there’s actually no one I can seriously confide into… they can perhaps, very fun to be accompanied with. What I wanted now was for the time to pass quickly… life here has been torment for me… because of tt stupid ‘racist’ incident, I couldn’t get on with skool life properly althou im always putting up a happy face in front of everyone… I couldn’t possibly affect their mood because of me… People dun reeli know me… all they think was im that happy go lucky type but actually, I’m not… I just don’t let others see mi cry…

The only thing I could do was to pour out my thoughts and problems in blog… that’s the least I could do to feel better… nevertheless, I knew that I seriously need to get on ahead with life or else I will be missing out on a lot of fun things… Hopefully, God will see me through this ordeal and that I got promoted to Year 2 smoothly… its doesn’t matter if I’ve true frenz there but just let me survive till the day I got my diploma…

... seen through it and moved on.