Yesterday was my first birthday since Dad was gone...

When the three of us (Mum, sis and me) sat at the dining table to blow out the candles on the cake, I looked at the empty seat beside Mum and felt a wretch in my heart.

It was a seat meant for Dad no one can ever replace.

Somehow a family event just doesn’t feel complete anymore with one missing member.

Pathetic~

Okay, I’m a nut case.

I can’t remember my MSN login password.

Neither can I recall the e-mail address and password I use for friendster.

All the usernames and passwords I tried just didn’t match.

I do not own a face book account.

So to my dear friends out there, if you bother to even want to contact me, just send me an SMS. The comforting news is that I can still remember my mobile number and have not changed it.

Thank You

I met up with Branda and Huimin last Friday.

The ladies’s talk we shared and the laughter we had made me realized how important it is to have friends.

They reminded me that I’m not a robot who works around the clock all day.

They made me see that I can have a life outside of work.

They made me realized that I don’t have to be great and powerful in order to have friends.

They made me feel human again.

And sometimes, I feel like I don’t deserve to have friends like them.

It was like I was being transported back to my secondary school days, where I knew how to be happy by simply being contented with the things I had. It was like the child in me just surfaced.

Who says money can buy happiness?

But I think friends do.

I have been spending a lot lately. And I’m just waiting for Mum to nag before I will stop or at least, try to control my spending habits.

Spending money is something I have always enjoyed doing. Just that it gets out of control these days.

I wonder if over spending is a sinful and extravagant act. But since it’s my own money that I’m tossing and I do continue giving Mum money each month, it doesn’t really affect me. It’s not like I’m hogging onto some fortune without sharing.

I don’t want to live a life of frugality and thrift if I can afford not to, cos I’m definitely not going to get thrilled over the increasing figures in my savings account like some ‘squirm-and-save’ super savers in this world. The increasing figures in the account will only make me more desperate to withdraw more cash.

Money is just another resource. It is perfectly fine to enjoy the luxury of having it. The key is not to spend more than you earn, but still enjoy life in the present.

每一段友情都有保存期限.

而我们的已经到期了.

曾经有人这样说过 - 得到并不等于佣有. 有时, 失去也是一种美.

所以, 该是时候萧洒放下, 然后move on.

I have been thinking a lot.

Just random thoughts, like thoughts about the people around me, my future, where am I heading to, whether status quo is important in maintaining a friendship, rhinoplasty, losing weight, falling in love, whether marriage is necessary, death, spending too much money, etc, etc..

I was so preoccupied with these thoughts that I missed the feeling of missing someone… until I went to visit my Dad last Saturday. Sometimes I wish he is still alive… yet it seems as though he never left us at all.

On a brighter side, I enjoyed my Korean class last Saturday. Its fun learning a new language!

An Nyoung Ha Sae Yo~

I am presently very hooked up with the Korean culture. Maybe not the culture, since I’m not into han bok and kimchi. I am just enthusiastic about Korean music and shows now, despite the fact that I know little (as in almost zilch) of the language.

It started two months ago when I needed to buy something for the sake of satisfying my urge to spend. So I grabbed this Korean album by Dong Bang Shin Ki while snooping around at a music store. No specific reason why I bought it. Just wanted to spend some money.

FYI, DBSK is a 5 member boy group and is the hottest stuff in Asia now. My initial perception of them was that they are just a boy group consisting of 5 pretty boys without much talent and going the Rain’s way, but slightly better. How wrong and shallow I was.

Despite the fact that I couldn’t understand what they were singing, since its in Korean, the music and grooves just got me replaying their songs again and again. So much so that I had their music blasting into my ears for most of my train journeys. It was like magic and I couldn’t explain it. And before I knew it, I started collecting their other albums and music related products. When I calculated how much I have spent on their stuff in just one month, it almost hit 500. I bet Mum will flip if she finds out.

Just two weeks ago, I signed up for the Korean language course with Cambridge School of Languages. Actually it wasn’t entirely because of DBSK that I signed up for the classes. I had wanted to learn a third language but back then, I didn’t have the time and couldn’t decide on the language to learn. I was deliberating between Japanese, Korean and French. Finally, I decided to settle on Korean because Jappie seemed more challenging that even its own people find it difficult while Sis said that French can be taught by self learning. Anyway, I couldn’t imagine myself speaking French with that exaggerating accent. I will look like a woman on crack.

Oh yeah, I am currently having thoughts of going for a rhinoplasty. I used to despise the idea of people undergoing plastic surgeries to look better. But my opinion on this has changed. Its not like I want to reconstruct my whole face to the extent that I look like a totally different person. I was thinking, just the nose will do. On the other hand, I am also having reservations and fear about this and anyway, money is the issue now and hence, the rhinoplasty plan will have to be put on hold. I am very sure Mum will hit the roof if she knows I am serious about rhinoplasty. I have mentioned it to her before on a few occasions but she thought I was joking.

The Impact of Change

Somehow, in a positive way, I feel that he can really make a difference.

11.31 PM, 19 December 2008

I didn’t think in the beginning that my first entry for the new year is going to be about my Dad.

Not before when God called him back to His side on the 19th of December 2008. Not even until now.

But it has to be and it needs to be.

There are many things about him I took for granted...

Like how I usually didn’t acknowledge him when I returned home each day..

How I couldn’t comprehend when he complained of the pain hurting his body..

How I missed going out for breakfasts with Mom and him during weekends just so I could sleep more..

How I fail to make an effort to have a conversation with him, to know how he had been doing at home all day while we were at work..

How I and the rest always thought he wouldn’t be called home to the Lord so soon because he looked so strong and active, unlike other victims of cancer..

How he angrily defended us when we were misunderstood by our aunties we hardly met up with..

How I always nagged at him when he spent on 4Ds and horse race betting...

How he would call while I was at work, just to let me know what he had cooked for dinner so that I knew I had something to eat when I got home..

How he would purposely sing loudly like he was yelling off tune..

How he would drive me to the pets groomer’s with Joseph to get his nails trimmed..

How the four of us would dine out for dinners during weekends with him driving the car to those eating places..

And when he returned to the Lord in heaven that day, I know I’m going to be missing these things for the rest of my life.

It is so difficult to cope whenever I see his stuff lying at some parts of the house which now seems quieter without him. And how all memories of him will come at the sight of his stuff.
But somehow, Sis and I are managing to move on with our lives, at least on the outside so that Mum can carry on with hers as soon as possible.

That strength and faith to move on comes not from us, but from the reassuring fact that Dad is now in a so much better place than here. In heaven singing with the angels and looking down at us, smiling.

On that day when he left, Mum asked him who was lying in the A&E ward whether he is afraid. He said no, because he knows that the Lord is waiting for him at the other side. I was tearing nonstop when I saw him struggling in pain for his life in the hospital that day. When I went back into the room again after the doctors said they have tried their best, I saw him lying on the bed, lifeless and turning cold, his shut eyes never opening again. Yet the peacefulness on his face was something I had not seen for months... and then I knew it was time for him to go to a better place where he didn’t have to suffer the pain anymore. He had to leave us behind because he had go.

Perhaps time will erase the pain in our hearts, the hurt of not getting to see him again for as long as we shall live. But I think time will shows its healing effect some day...

And I love you, Dad.

I should have said it earlier but I didn’t because of some silly pride.

Confessions, confessions and confessions...

First, I am a sucker because I completely forgot to wish Nisha a happy birthday despite the friendly reminder from my sis... and it’s embarrassingly late to do that now.

Second, I have been skipping classes these days I can’t exactly remember the last topic taught. Because you see, it’s all due to work, work, work. Aren’t clients supposed to relax during the December holidays as my boss speculated? I wonder if life is supposed to be all about working but when I get the pay check each month, I think it’s worth it after all. For now I mean.

Third, I have not mature intellectually but am probably less juvenile now... I found out a couple of weeks ago that I enjoy listening to jazz music. I didn’t quite enjoy Jay Chou like how I used to.
Forth, the economy is bad, I know. Real bad. Such that the same food I used to enjoy doesn’t taste as good these days.

Fifth, I am hooked on to the Twilight saga series. Vampires are cool and mysterious. And I like how Pattinson portrayed Edward Cullen on the screen but if only Stewart’s Bella Swan can look less constipated, then it would be even better.

Sixth, my cousin, Gordon, persistently insisted that “Bolt” is pronounced as “Boooaat~~”. Kind of silly, but I think he has a point, which I feel kind of silly to think that way.

I don’t what a router is, nor do I know how it looks like. Until I got a laptop 3 months ago…

I spent nearly 70 bucks at Build A Bear Workshop 2 weeks ago and built myself this very cute turtle wearing an NBA attire. I named it ‘Jordan’.

I know I’m turning into a soft toys freak when I burned another 60 bucks on a NICI tiger at Cards N Such last week. But I gave myself this lame excuse that it was because I’m born in the year of the Tiger…

I met Nicole last Friday for dinner. Maybe it’s because she’s in love, but she definitely looks better and happier compared to last year when we met up. All the best to you, Nicole~! =p

We are trying our best to help darling Joseph shed some pounds (or just some grams will do), but everything we did become futile when he comes pouncing on you at the sight of… FOOOOOD~~~ So we got this gentle warning from the vet that we should watch out for his weight.

On the other side, Dad’s weight has dropped to a mere 43 kg. I hope he puts on weight and stop smoking. Then again, he’s still as bitchy as ever.

Sometimes, I thought of switching to a different occupation. Then again, I think, better not.

I still have no idea who’s the champion of this year’s Formula One race. It’s none of my business, right?

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

(Courtesy of The Daily Puppy)

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Being always grateful for each new day and for the blessing you have.